March 10th, 2010
Our son will graduate from highschool in June. We have been afforded
the opportunity to purchase space, one-quarter page, in the yearbook
for a picture of him and comment from us. We want our comment to
express the completeness of our love for him, how very proud we are of
him and gentle encouragement to do well in college in preparation for
the rest of his life. We would like for our comment to stand out from
the many others that will be in the book.
He is American but born and raised in Europe. He plans to be a
computer engineer. He is gentle in nature. He is well liked by his
peers, his teachers and all that know him. He is a very good student
although not straight A. He is without prejudice. He likes people. He
has never been in trouble. Please ask if you need more information.
Word count probably should be no more than 70 or so.Hi notekie:
Thank you for the very interesting opportunity to help you out with
this thoughtful gesture towards your son, who sounds like a remarkable
young man.
70 words is not a lot, so you'll have to make some decisions on what
you want in and what can be left out.
Below is my first draft. If you would like to discuss
changes/revisions, please tell me in a Clarification Request. I will
be only to happy to work on further drafts.
I'll call your son Peter, for lack of a better name...
*********Draft 1***********
Peter, our love for you will be with you every day at College. There
are many challenges ahead, but we know you will meet them as you
always have - with gentleness, faith, friendship and fairness. As you
move on in the story of your life, remember that we rejoice in your
successes, and are there to proudly support you if you stumble.
Love, Mom and Dad
*********66 words**********
Let me know what you think.
Thanks.
websearcher-ga
Search Strategy:
None. However, if you want to see how other "congratulations" comments
look, you could try:
congratulation graduation "high school"
://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&ie=ISO-8859-1&q=congratulation+graduation+%22high+school%22&meta=websearcher-ga, thank you for replying to our question. We think you
are off to a great start. Your answer is very good but we were looking
for something just a bit more profound. Does one meet a challange with
gentleness? - or determination? You said "he sounds like a remarkable
young man". Perhaps "you are a remarkable young man" can be used. We
do not want you to discard your first draft but would appreciate some
rework/enhancement. If you're amenable, lets use 90 or so as the word
count and we will rework if it doesn't fit.
Thanks again for your effort.Hello notekie:
Thanks for the clarification. Your personal feedback helped me create
a second draft (below). This is exactly how I envisioned the revision
process working!
*********Draft 2***********
Peter, everyone whose life you've touched has watched you grow into
the most remarkable young man. There are many challenges ahead, but we
know you will meet them as you always have - with courage and
dedication, tempered with your special integrity and humor. As you
move on in the story of your life, remember that we rejoice in your
successes, and are there to proudly support you if you stumble. Our
love for you will be with you every day at College.
Mom and Dad
*********85 words**********
Once again, let me know what you think.
Thanks.
websearcher-ga#If you have any other info about this subject , Please add it free.# |
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